Homeland Insecurity

I had an out-of-body experience at SFO today.

After checking my bags curbside at the United terminal, I got on the security line and moved quickly to the checkpoint. Just as I was getting ready to strip down my carry ons and my unmentionables for the usual indignities, the security agent agitated in my direction and said my boarding pass didn't match my driver's license. WHAT???!!!

Yup. I was now Mr. Remy Gross, and my bags were en route to Santa Ana. This despite the fact that the curbside agent had my drivers license in his hand and confirmed my destination (Newport Beach) verbally. So much for Homeland Security.

It took a New York minute for me to grab the nearest senior official and get a corrected boarding pass, and of course to demand an escort to the front of the next security line. I actually ended up with more VIP treatment than I asked for. When I got to the screening part, I was exempted from removing my shoes and submitting to Xray scanning.

For all the TSA knew, I could have been smuggling explosives in my wedges and a detonator in my bra (not that there is any extra room in there). Lucky for them, the only thing incendiary at that point was my temper.

Mr. Remy Gross was surely in for a rude awakening when he arrived at SFO for his flight to Santa Ana and found out that along with his seat, I also got his United Airlines Premier Access privileges.

When I finally got to the gate, I found a sympathetic agent who managed to track down my bags and have them transferred to my flight before take off. And against all odds, they arrived on the baggage carousel at John Wayne Airport as if nothing untoward had happened. Kudos to United Airlines baggage handling, which, it turns out, has won industry awards for superior service for three consecutive quarters. Their curbside check-in has a role model.

Insult to near injury: Car rental was the next adventure. Long story short: NO, I DO NOT WANT A MINI VAN. Three rental counters and 40 minutes later, I ended up with a Mitsubishi Galante (how sexy can you get?) and a Garmin that swore I was in Chicago. It took me 30 minutes and a mini meltdown at a Mercedes Benz dealer to get the stupid Garmin working properly so I could get to my office 2 miles from the airport.

Ah, the joys of business travel.

Footnote:
The Fairmont Hotel in Newport Beach can't hold a candle to the Fairmont in SF. It's more like your basic Hilton. Plus, the spa closed way before I got back from dinner with the Firm's partners and I REALLY NEED A MASSAGE. Do I sound tense?

Whose Bright Idea Was That?

• Whichever genius invented those blinding white headlights should be treated to his own personal brand of water torture: a perennial parade of nighttime traffic following him through purgatory (or the LIE. Oh wait - they're one and the same).

• Can someone please tell me... what is the f'ing secret that has Christina Aguilera looking so awesome?! I will sell my firstborn for a single bottle of that elixir - sorry, Jake!

• SUNY is in need of a new major: road signage. Two campuses, two nightmares trying to find the gym. Hansel and Gretel have nothing on the LB varsity volleyball parents - and we didn't have a trail of crumbs.

The Ultimate Selfish Act

They say that suicide is the ultimate selfish (not to mention cowardly) act.  Suicide by mall, such as we saw at the Garden State Plaza in New Jersey last night, is even worse. Even though, thank God, the gunman's was the only life lost, just think about the incredible toll it took:

• The human terror wreaked on the innocent bystanders.
• The millions of dollars in lost revenue that the stores -- closed at least for today, if not longer -- will suffer.
• The municipal cost of fielding police SWAT teams.
• The clean up cost for any property damage.
• The psychological cost to people who may now be afraid to visit congested public spaces.
• The unimaginable pain of the gunman's family, and the possible guilt they may feel by association.
• The social cost to the community.

All that, from one man with a rifle. How much more is it going to take for us to do something about the appallingly easy access we have to guns in this country?

Random Thoughts for Today

• I cannot stop noshing. I have to load up on healthy snacks to bring to work  every day. What is that?  I used to live on coffee and cigarettes and would sooner have starved than have dessert. Ah, to be 21 again!
• I now have FIVE dry cleaners.  Cheap cleaners and "good" cleaners at home, cheap cleaners and "good" cleaners at work, and a  specialty cleaners to shorten my new ski pants (recommended by Sno-Haus).  It's either Nirvana or an omen of impending implosion.
• I'm worried about the implications of U.S. eavesdropping on our allies'  cell phones. We used to be a moral compass for the world. Now we not only have Middle East terrorists trying to decimate us, but we are alienating our friends as well.  Where does that leave the United States?  If we keep squandering our world leadership and our strategic  relationships, we will end up a pariah. That is not the world I want my children  to grow up in.  I want them to have the same absolute security and privilege that being an American meant for all us baby boomers when we were growing up. I fear that the devolvement of Washington into a bickering  black hole  has  swallowed up any hope of true leadership or vision that will allow us to retain the hard-won global respect that we spent much of the 20th century earning.  

Stop behaving like a schoolyard bully and start acting like the moral barometer that we are supposed to be!! You're screwing it up for my kids!!!

What's the difference?

The difference between the North Shore and the South Shore is that TJ Maxx in Manhasset has Armani and the customers come with their teacup poodles, and TJ Maxx in Oceanside has Willie Wear and dust bunnies in the dressing rooms.